It’s been a couple of months since I published my first blog post on Escaping a Pandemic. Between then and now the seasons have changed, I’ve had a couple of interviews, applied for hundreds of jobs, restrictions have been lifted, I’ve seen friends and more family, my nephew turned one, my best friend is still pregnant, and the view outside my bedroom window is still one of my favourites. Still there, a little reminder of that hope I wrote about.
However, the optimist has turned into more of a cynic. What seemed like possibility has turned into dire inevitability. I have never felt so far removed from the idea of who I thought I would be. I wish I could hide under the duvet, and when I surface for air, pray that all this will be over.
I spend most of my days alone in my bedroom, glued to a screen, hunting for work within the realms of my experience. It isn’t as if there is nothing out there for the unemployed, there is plenty, but with a four year career gap, and not much previous experience, I am a very small fish in a very, very big pond. In my attempts to stay positive I have been writing down manifestations and things I am grateful for. Clinging to anything that may boost my chances of employment.
I feel as if I have gone from complete freedom, to utter confinement, worrying at times if I can cope much longer with this depressing bout of disappointment. My life isn’t even that bad. I’m pulling the strings on my own sad violin. People have it SO much worse, and I am fully aware that if I put my life into perspective, then I’m fucking lucky. But we can rarely see past the ends of our own noses. The human default is to centre ones self in the middle of our own universe, and watch everyone else revolve around it.
But surely I’m not the only one? I cant be. In this crazy situation there must be those who feel the total loss of control, and the lack of any light at the end of the tunnel. I’m fumbling around in the dark, blind, in search of a light switch that isn’t there. Instead, what I really have to do is to tear down a wall. But I cant seem to muster the energy. Every day feels like a battle to get up and persevere. And me moaning, is really me telling you that if you are in a situation like me right now, where you feel lost, please carry on.
Eventually we will get to the other side of this mess, and if we keep trying, we will find the success we so desperately seek. I want to sink into a depression and feel so god dammed sorry for myself. Because that’s the easiest thing to do. What’s hard is what we try to run away from. But I’m learning to plant my feet, keep applying for those jobs, writing those blog posts, and educating myself. I’m hoping, actually, I know that it will all pay off.
Don’t give in, or settle. Covid-19 hit us smack in the face. It shook our worlds, for some, it destroyed them. This blog post is me saying, if I can do it, so can you. I’m staying positive for a better future, with better opportunities. Stay with me.